Feeling Home



I have been thinking about the concept of “home”.   Not only was I rejoicing about going back to France, but the week prior leaving I got to experience the home of loved ones and compare it to my own “home-ness”.

And there I am now: “home”, in the gorgeous southern-France countryside house of my mother where I have spent so many happy and defining moments for the past 10 years.

Yet, I didn’t grew up in this house or anywhere close to this village.   I moved for the first time when I was 12, have since lived in several countries and came back home to a handful of houses.  What’s more, I learned a few days ago that this very house might not be stay around very long.

Part of me is sad; the part that has attachments and doesn’t want to let go of a relatively recent past and a projected future.  Though deep down I know I will be just fine.

The lyrics of “Fuel up” (Stornoway) keep on coming back to my mind:

But I’ll tell you the reason you couldn’t get home
Cause there’s nowhere you’ve been
And it’s nowhere you’re going
Home is only a feeling you get in your mind
From the people you love and you travel beside

There is definitely something to that.  When I boil it down, I think only two or three things really matter.   Most importantly – like in the song – it’s the quality of connection/trust I have with the people around me.  Secondly, I need a dedicated space that is mine where I can retrieve and feel relaxed.  Finally, there is bit of a habit / cultural / time factor.

The last (and least important) factor is the reason why letting go of my mom’s house will be a somewhat painful.  But the incredibly strong bond I have with both my mother and my sister will quickly make me feel home wherever that new place might be.

That’s also why I now feel relatively home in Brooklyn.  The quality of the relationships I have built there, the space I created for myself and the number of years spent in the same place make it up.   The last bit that keeps me from fully calling it “home” is the cultural and language disconnection I sometimes still encounter… Home sometimes takes work.